Welcome aboard! This is your community update for the week of July 2nd.
Well, if there was any doubt that summer was upon us, apart from the heat and the tomatoes starting to set, local police are dealing with the first waves of bored teenagers. As is tradition, they migrate from the next town over to escape boredom and parental censure to do all the things bored small-town teenagers do.
There are some that think that teenagers are a separate species from good ol’ Homo sapiens sapiens. We’ve seen some of the academic writings on the subject by the likes of Dave Barry and Stephen King and they bring some solid evidence to the table. Others believe teenagers to be a sort of nymph or pupae, which through some form of Lamarckian evolution turn into wondrous strangers that call you around the holidays.
We at the Historical Society would like to offer up a third proposal- that teenagers are young adults with neither money nor mobility, but with certain biological and socially mediated drives toward basic reproductive goals, identity development, and finding a place for themselves in society.
All that said, it’s no surprise that they meander up to our town and find places where they make tomorrow’s memories. We all have them: The white rock above the highway, painted and repainted with special messages, the hollow beneath the old bridge, even the parking lot behind the highschool.
However, the most favorite destination, and at this point the most dangerous, is the old quarry. There is just something us hominids find fascinating about holes in the earth that we are drawn to them. However, so are other animals, and this becomes a problem.
Earlier today, several teens ran into Edna’s, bleeding all over, yelling about being attacked by tiny river monsters or wolverines and rabid hell-beasts. Once they got calmed down, we figured out that they had been setting up for a little picnic on the rocks when the badgers decided to run the kids off and steal their picnic basket.
Police treated their superficial wounds then escorted the kids back and secured the area so they could retrieve their cars and go home.
Sadly, this has become another summer tradition.
With the rise of badger-related incidents, something must be done. The City Council and The Council of Old Guys are both “working on it,” so if you have any suggestions more helpful than “catch and release” or “pour downers in the water supply” I am sure they would welcome hearing from you.
The Forest Service and the Museum of Natural History would like to remind you that the setting off loud fireworks in and around town poses a fire hazard. No, you did not misread that, and fire hazard rules will be used to enforce noise issues caused by any visitors. Please help us maintain a positive relationship with some of our off-grid neighbors by preserving the peace and quiet during this, our noisiest of national holidays.
In further scouting news, the scoutmaster is still at large. Art claims to have caught a blurry photo of him, and even took cast of his footprints. His “evidence” has come under pretty skeptical scrutiny. Even so, anyone with money riding on the Scoutmaster being found by this weekend, well, better luck next time.
This issue of the Community Bulletin was made possible by financial contribution from The Editor. Yes, because we all have to chip in to keep this town running, and sometimes, being a good neighbor means picking up the tab, even when nobody asked you to.
